Ferocious Fearsome Fear, Oh Dear

           Suddenly I realized my blog lacked insight. Fear and doubts crept in and I thought I have to write about the dark sides of things, which eventually will turn into bright side anyway. It's just the way things are - you can twist them anyway, depending on the obstacles of attachment. Fear is probably the worst enemy of all. It puts your mind in a box and is shooting thoughts between the narrow walls. With speed increasing the tension in nerves grows and what once was an opportunity, becomes a burden. It's only when the fear is battled one can proceed. Fear itself has no continuity, it has a freezing quality not just on a mental level but on a physical too. Every action begins on a mental level driven by our habituation with environment, situations and all other phenomena we encounter in our lives. That's just my observation based on some weak considerations. Nevertheless this is the understanding of it that I have gained in my twenty eight years in this body. Fear works as a protection of self and everything that you identify with it so to eliminate fear I believe one has to examine one's own existence and how other things exist too. 

I arrived in Christchurch in the evening of the 9th. It took four hours to hike from Oamaru and only three rides. Standing on the road with my hand out I surely know that every single car passing by is not the right one and the ones who actually stop are the ones for me. It's incredible how we are all linked together in this time and space. If you think about it, it may bring up many questions. I think if not doubts and fears, we could get immediate understanding of things. Well, but if that was the case then probably we wouldn't be talking about this now. 
Lina and Ingus, a couple from Latvia who are as vagabond as it gets and got married in Argentina last year, picked me up and took brought me to their home. It is located near Lyttleton, harbor town South of Christchurch. 
After getting in touch with a couple of bars and not getting any positive responses about a possible gig, I figured I am just going to stay here and prepare for my further move. Went up the hill to howl to the Pacific three times and think of all the dear ones left in the motherland and the ones I've met on the way. 
Being with oneself is extremely healthy experience, it never has let me down. Can you really be lonely? Well, if the only thing you can think of is you, then probably you cannot stay alone even for a couple minutes. If you sit down and start meeting all the people in your mind then it actually takes time to go through all faces and eventually fulfillment hits in. It's all out there in a mutual relation and it's always been like this. It's never solid, independent and existing on its own, no matter how we would like to believe it. The broader picture gives and takes. It takes bits of you and dissolves it in the atmosphere but it gives the freedom, the freedom from your worst enemy - brother fear. 
I had 120 bucks on me when I reached this paradise and I didn't think any further of how things gonna be, because to think that way would be really silly - I can't know the future so why expect anything? Same moment, everything comes as a surprise. Each moment is a new creation and is getting more exciting with each glimpse on it. I got tickets to Wellington, spending half of it and for the first time in my life couchsurfing.org linked me with people eager to offer couch. I am surprised, I am excited, what a wonderful moment this is. 
Little did I know before that I'd end up in this kingdom of fun and good food!
Expectations are the cause of frustration. So why would I even want to generate even the slightest feeling of expecting something to happen? The fear lives before the actual event has taken place. Alright, let's say, something bad happened. Bad meaning we classified it as bad because of our conceptual perception. Nevertheless the most fearsome moment is yet to come - what's gonna happen next? Who the hell knows? So why fear, all you can be is curious but neither happy, nor sad. 
I was invited for a dinner and ended up on a boat with great people. 

Clean clothes. I haven't bought any Tshirt in years. Everytime I take a clean TShirt it seems very new to me. Well it's more obvious with socks. 
Looking at the photo now, it seems unreal. I mean it's beautiful, right? Even though I'm sitting in the same place I took this picture from and possibly see similar sight but photo is something special. It has more of a mystery than real life. Why is that? Still moment is so hard to capture in real life, this is why I love photos. You can observe a moment in details and keep returning to it. Your mind works on top of this moment, it digests it thoroughly creating a doorway into a world of the unknown but not necessarily fearsome life. It's so easy to persuade myself that it's a photo and it's not real after thinking something bad and same works if it's good - it seems unreal. Whenever I talk to someone and say I am in New Zealand or India - it sounds impressive. It is, don't get me wrong, but it's our dreams that makes those places special. Places we're currently not in meeting people we never knew and probably never will. We attach value to phenomena which is not necessarily there when we encounter it. The only thing that matters is not doubting your experience and by that I mean physical and mental experience. This is something that we have and it's damn subjective, sure, but with objectifying things we're robbing ourselves. We're stealing the beauty of being in this world and experiencing it as it comes to us. I think this is the most exciting thing about our existence that things reveal themselves differently to different people. 
Sunday we were supposed to go kayaking and we did. Got into a cave and around the island. It was beautiful and I felt New Zealand on completely different level. I felt the salty water getting in my eyes and rocks rubbing the bottom of the kayak. Sounds of birds and smell of the sea. Probably all these things together drove me to write this blog and not being afraid of what's gonna follow. Inevitably it will generate feelings, opinions, smiles, hatred, fear and inspiration. This is how it works. Words are one of the doorways into this world. Body, speech and mind - our manifestation as such. The tools that work dependently on one another and cannot work on their own. Moreover, the flow of things that caused us to be, think, speak or act in such way is untraceable for my narrow mind. I've come this far by pretty much all of things I can think of and none of them at the same time. So fear, please, you see there's no place for you in me. 

The only doorway for this eight hundred year old tree is it's form. It holds the information that can be interpretable by the minds of humans and passed on by their speech. It has a meaning now and different one for every one of us. Ferocious Fearsome Fear, please let us go at once and let us hold each other dear without any trace of you, dear fear.

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